Time seems oddly suspended, lately. I’m in some kind of strange limbo-land, where almost without trying or meaning to, every day as I take a step farther from losing Amy, I take that same step closer to trying again. It’s all little things, small changes here and there, just happening almost without my input. 5 weeks ago, the idea of taking prenatal vitamins made me want to cry, so I started taking Flintstones instead. Two is supposed to be the same as a prenatal, and I couldn’t even handle that. The stupid optimism of it seemed insurmountable. I took one, most days. Then I took one, every day. At some point a few days ago, I just started taking two. The mind, it does its thing, even when we don’t realize it’s happening.
Even still, I knew this month or so would be hard for me, and it has been. So many important dates, plans, and people swirling around. If life were different, tomorrow would have been my last Lovenox shot before they switched me to heparin. Baby-can-come-any-time-now heparin. It would have been a celebration. Now it’s just another Wednesday.
At the support group, the leader mentioned for the briefest of moments the positive things our babies brought to our lives. Such a hard thing to think about. Nothing good should come from your child dying, but inevitably good things do come. Not that you wouldn’t trade them all for your baby, of course, but good things do come. We found out about the true strength of our marriage, and for that matter, our friendships. I learned, finally, how to slow down and truly live in the moment. I learned about being a mother, and about grief, and that everything they say about both is true.
And the best thing, brief though her time here was, was Amy herself. She was mine, she was ours, she was his. I loved her before I even met her. I miss her every day. And I guess I always will. When we were in the hospital, they took a bunch of polaroid pictures of her for us to have. A few days ago, I became terrified that we would somehow lose them or something would happen to them and these are the only copies, the only proof she was here, so I scanned them in. If you want to see them, behind the link below are a couple of photos of our daughter.
Amy, born 4/3/12, 1 lb 7 oz, 8″ long