Oh and I nearly forgot. When getting ready to meet the new therapist, I got a little glimpse into the difficulty answering what used to be easy, basic questions. How many children do you have, the form asked. I put 1, because, duh, right? The next question: what are their ages? Having been stillborn, Amy doesn’t even really get an age, so after thinking for a bit, I put, “deceased.” And then the form asked, “List any problems your children are currently having?”
And immediately, I had a thousand answers for this one. Not breathing. No heartbeat. Arrived too early. Not here with me. Incinerated. Pretty big problems, my one child has, but I know that’s not what they meant, so I left it blank, but I wanted to write an entire paragraph about the problems my child is currently having, which can be pretty much be summarized by: “she died.”
I miss already the days when that was an easy box to check off.