How was yesterday? I survived. That’s about as much as anyone can expect of me, right?
It was awful. It was in fact, more awful than I expected. It was easily the worst day since the actual day she died, and maybe it was even just as bad. I had more than a due date, I had a scheduled induction at 38 weeks. Most babies don’t come on their due dates, everyone knows that, but mine had a scheduled date, so July 12th was The Day. The day we should’ve gone to the hospital as two and come home as three.
Instead, I came home (after basically freaking out and fleeing my office) and everything was exactly the same as it’s always been, and that made me cry. A lot. I wondered if I’d ever stop. Everything in our house is the same. Nothing has changed. You get pregnant and you expect that in 9 months or so, everything will change. That nothing has is this big red sign, a physical reminder, she died, you can’t change it.
But, I survived. People say, you have such strength, you have such grace; I totally don’t, I just have no other choice. If I did, I’d surely take it. Your baby dies and the only path left is to continue on. Wake up, feed yourself, go to work, see your friends, feed yourself, go to bed, it’s just what you do, because you have to. And if you’re lucky, in between, sometimes you have fun and joy and hope, too.
We went to see a movie, and it was nice to do something nice, together. The movie was a comedy, but one ironically enough about pain and regret and the lengths you’ll go to to survive them, and maybe also a little about magic and hope and fairy tales. It felt very appropriate. And maybe more importantly, it made me feel a little less like I might actually die of sadness for the rest of the night.
And now it’s July 13th, and there’s only one more Amy date on the calendar. It’s her actual due date, but the thing is, there was never any chance I’d still be pregnant then. So I’ll notice, with regret, but from here on out, every day is the same – she should be here, but she’s not, which is a reality we’ve already been living, every day since April 3rd.