I had something I really wanted to post in the shower this morning, but of course now I’ve forgotten it. That’s one of the reasons I want to keep up this blog, to remember all of it. You forget how it really felt, and how it really was, as you move further away.
I’ve been thinking of Amy a lot lately, as we embark on our attempt to have a second child. It’s inevitable, I guess, to think of the first while trying for the second. I think of the things about my pregnancy with her that were wonderful and special, and how I’m sure there will be equally special moments this second time around, but they’ll be different. Because this child will be different. I’ve only ever carried the one baby, of course, but it seems like every baby has its own pattern of movement. Its own rhythm. I loved Amy’s, and I miss it. I’m sure I’ll love hypothetical future second baby’s too, but I’ll still miss Amy’s. Always. Sometimes I imagine I can still feel it.
Someone sent me an article. This one. I love that this might be true. This feels like a kind of literal, scientific version of “living forever in our hearts.” I love the thought that Amy is with me, always, helping me survive on a cellular level. Helping her hypothetical future siblings thrive.
And as we get farther away from the day, the shock and suddenness of her loss, the sadness has lost its edge. I can talk about her, and about losing her, without crying. I remember her with both sadness and fondness.
But still, I find myself saying, I can’t even believe this actually happened. It’s the most unbelievable thing.
This post is a little bit all over the place, but I just remembered what I thought of in the shower this morning. It started because I was counting how many days until I can take a pregnancy test, and then chastizing myself for being so impatient when we haven’t been trying that long, and then remembering that actually we started trying last year, on September 24th, 2011, when we went in to my OB/GYN to have my IUD yanked, so while I did go on to get pregnant right away, we’ve been trying for kind of a long time to bring a baby into our house. And through this convoluted stream of thoughts, I suddenly remembered the phone call, when I made the appointment for the IUD removal.
Having only seen my OB/GYN for GYN things and having been avidly avoiding pregnancy until that moment, I was nervous, and I asked the scheduler if my doctor also supervised pregnancies rather than non-pregnancy-related concerns. And the woman replied in what I thought was kind of a shocking manner, “Yep! We do it all, cradle to grave!”
And I remember getting off the phone and relaying this phrasing to several friends and my husband, “she said cradle TO GRAVE, why would she say that??? Grave? Really?”
Remembering that phone call now, nearly one year later, it almost feels like it was a sign, and I wonder if this was all meant to be. If in some twisted way of how the universe works, I had to have and lose Amy to appreciate whatever will come in the future. I already know that it has inexplicably made me a calmer, more laidback, happier person. Maybe this had to happen. I am not sure that I really believe in a force that needs to help me grow and teach life lessons through infant death, but I just. Wonder.