Elegy for Amy

10DPO September 5, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 8:32 pm

Today I am feeling pessimistic. For days, I have been hopeful and optimistic and relatively low-key, but today I am pessimistic. I don’t feel pregnant.

I didn’t feel pregnant yet, last time.

But still, I don’t. I feel like this month isn’t the month. And I know that that’s okay, and we’ll just keep trying, and it’s no big deal, but right now in this moment it IS a big deal. To me. We get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It’s the only thing we have going for us, reproductively speaking. Now I don’t have that, either? We just continue to wait, and wait, and wait, and edge ever closer to the time of year I got pregnant with Amy, the one time I would really prefer NOT to get pregnant this time. Will this time take a year? Can we not get pregnant, anymore? Is something wrong? Does this god you speak of hate me?

So yeah, pessimistic. Which is probably putting it mildly. And is a little silly, frankly, because I am still two days away from the day I got a positive test last time. A line so faint that I didn’t even see it until a trick of the light revealed it to me four hours later. A line so faint I asked Dan if he saw it, and he had to hold it up to a window to even make it out, and I had to take three more tests that made the same, practically invisible line before I believed.

But still, I don’t feel pregnant, and I am a swirl of sad and jealous and what do we do now. I hope I’m wrong, but I think I’m not. So for today, if it’s okay, I’m just going to mope about it. I can be optimistic tomorrow.


One Response to “10DPO”

  1. Sarie Says:

    It’s okay to mope a bit. But definitely remember in your moping that maybe the getting pregnant at the drop of a hat in the past was the fluke. It takes so many people so long. I just spoke with a friend who is finally pregnant after trying for three years. Three years! I know you guys want this so badly, and also it feels like you’ve been cheated in so many ways already – you should have a daughter right now. You shouldn’t have to be starting over. Just try and keep your chin up. I really believe that stressing out makes it take longer. XO XO HUGS.

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