Elegy for Amy

Hulk Smash September 7, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 9:10 pm

Still negative. Not really a whole lot of chance that will change, at this point, though technically there is still tomorrow. Yesterday, I was chock full of optimism and hope, but today, I am simply angry.

Do you know how many people started trying after I got pregnant who have, or are about to have babies already? Or are well on their way in a completely complication-free fashion? People with the luxury of worrying about epidural vs. birthing pool, home vs. hospital, vaginal vs. C-section, and oh gosh I hope I’m not in labor because I have laundry to do.

My mind isn’t very fair on this issue, I know, but just like you have a right to complain about how much it sucks to be 33 weeks pregnant, I have a right to complain about how much it sucks never to get there and how much you complain about what I only wish for. Me, who can’t imagine any scenario in which the first words I say after giving birth aren’t, “is he/she alive??”

I know this isn’t fair of me, but life has not been very fair to me this year. In fact, I’d say we could all agree that life has been colossally fucking unfair to me this year, and right I am really, really pissed off about it.

All I want is to get pregnant again. Now. Yesterday. I want to get pregnant again, and I want the baby to live, and that is all I am asking. I will do the daily injections, the weekly injections, the cervical surgery with the accompanying spinal anesthesia, the months of bedrest, an induction, a c-section, whatever the hell the doctors tell me to do, I will do it, if I can just get to take home a baby at the end.

Why does everyone else get to, and not me? They don’t even know how good they have it, and honestly, I wish I didn’t either. Oh to be someone who gives a damn if I am able to do a load of laundry while pregnant. Or has to undergo major surgery. Me, on the other hand? Don’t care. Everyone lives at the end is all I ask. Seems like most people just expect that much, and today, really pissed off that I can’t.


2 Responses to “Hulk Smash”

  1. Emily Says:

    You’re right, it’s not fair. Here’s hoping for two lines tomorrow…but if not, don’t do laundry…have a big glass of wine instead.

  2. Jocelyn Says:

    You have been dealt such a shitty shitty hand. I can’t begin to imagine how it feels. I just hope there is eventually something positive to come out of all this–the most loved little child that ever existed in this world, who grows up to be big and tall and love her Mommy back just like you love her.

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