Today is our first doctor’s appointment for your baby brother or sister. Last night, falling asleep, thinking of this new baby, I was so filled with missing you that I very nearly took the jewelry box containing your ashes to bed with me. Really, the only reason I didn’t was that I wondered if your father would think I’d gone completely insane.
We’re so excited for NewBaby, so hopeful that this time around things will be different. But I can’t help but remember how it felt to be pregnant with you, the things that were different, the things that were the same. And I’m sad that your new sibling will never get to meet you, not get to grow up with an older sister. I’m sad for all the things NewBaby will hopefully get to do that you never will.
And so nervous, because what if NewBaby doesn’t get to do them, either? So much of early pregnancy is blind faith – the test says I’m pregnant, so I assume that NewBaby is growing, happily and healthily, inside of me, until proven otherwise. Even once we get the first ultrasound, it’s all blind faith in between doctor’s visits, in between pictures on the screen proving there is a life in there. It’s all blind faith until the baby is big enough to feel, really.
And I fell asleep wondering what NewBaby would feel like, inside, because I know that most likely it won’t feel the same. When I remember falling asleep to your tiny kicks, that’s when the missing is the worst. I miss that, but that was ours. NewBaby and I will be different. Which makes me glad, but also makes me miss you, so much.
If you’re out there, somewhere, watching over us, just know that we always will.