5 weeks, 1 day, and so far, so good. So far, I am mostly excited punctuated by terror every time I feel a cramp. Please, can this baby live? It seems like it shouldn’t be too much to ask.
Optimism and excitement are one thing, but I am nothing if not realistic. Here is a list of pregnancy precautions I am taking to mitigate the only bits I can, in the event things go south:
– No registries. None. I know there will be a point later where I feel okay about making one, but I don’t know when it will be, and it sure isn’t going to be in the first trimester. Deleting my registry was sad; the whole thing seemed so hopelessly naive after the fact. Monkey shoes? This was my big concern?
– No handknits, for now. Baby handknits are adorable. They are quick to make and oh, so precious. And every moment you are knitting them, you are imagining the baby within you, outside of you, wearing them. Which makes them infinitely heartbreaking if that baby turns out to never need them. Not to mention the tragic juxtaposition between how tiny, how wee you thought they were when you knit them, joking with your husband on the couch about how you were going to be in charge of something SO TINY; and how big they would have been on her tiny, extremely premature body in the end.
– No furnishings of any kind. I avoided this last time and was glad for it later. The Jews do it right, I think. There is so much time for these things later. And if the baby comes before 36 weeks, you’re not taking it home right away even in the best of circumstances. So maybe we can buy a crib or something as a 36 week, cerclage removal celebration.
– No Babies R Us. Probably ever. Too many memories of how clueless we were.
– No online shopping at maternity or baby stores. Many of them sell your information to dozens of baby companies, and one minute you’re buying leggings and 7 months later formula is showing up in the mail for your dead baby. If I need maternity or baby items, it’s in-person, cash-only transactions. One exception: Old Navy Maternity, who was also very good about stopping my e-mails last time.
– No telling strangers, random acquaintances, or people with whom I conduct business transactions. I imagine at some point the jig will be up on this and people will ask, but I am not volunteering this information. Untelling people you don’t actually know is horrible. As is worrying about awkward conversations to the point of changing dentists (did this), hair stylists (did not do this), and local eateries (avoided for months).
Now I feel like this sounds neurotic. I don’t feel that neurotic when I’m doing it.