Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.
At my completely normal, completely uneventful doctor’s appointment on Friday, I was all set to ask her if she could check me for infection, just in case. Because I had an infection when Amy was born, and no one can say which came first, so it could just as easily have caused her death as it could have been a result of my water being broken for several days prior to delivering, and a dead baby mom is nothing if not hypervigilant and paranoid.
And I loved my OB just a little bit more when she came in and suggested we take some cultures, just in case. I don’t have to be the crazy dead baby mom if you anticipate my every paranoia.
And there was no reason to think I have an infection now, but as soon as she did it, I think I started holding my breath a little bit. Waiting for the phone to ring. Cringing at every cramp. Begging this baby to stay alive before going to sleep. I was suddenly more afraid than I had been, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn’t even really notice.
And then it didn’t drop. They called this afternoon, and all of my cultures came back “totally normal.” I have no infection of any kind. And this huge exhale, this huge relief, a weight off I didn’t even realize I had put on. Everything is still okay. And now, with NewBaby, I’ll never have to wonder if I started out with some kind of unknown infection. Every small thing I don’t have to regret, every “what if” I know I’ll never have to have, that’s the only control there is, now, so I embrace these things and try to let go of all the things I can’t control.
So now I’m 5 weeks, 2 days pregnant, and so far, so good. Weird good, even. With Amy, I immediately felt off a lot of the time, not full on nauseous until 6 weeks, but very off. Eating was a chore most days. I was tired a lot. And the sore boobs, whoa. So bad. The entire time, the sore boobs. With NewBaby, it will be something miniscule here and there, and I go to bed by 10 most nights, but I feel oddly…fine. And I know there’s still plenty of time to gather pregnancy discomforts, but for now everything is oddly good. It’s disconcerting in my anxiety moments, but mostly it’s a blessing. It makes it a lot easier to maintain a positive outlook, an excited feeling. When you feel like death warmed over day after day, you start staring bleakly at the weeks that stretch before you, so for now I’m grateful that I don’t have to do that.