Elegy for Amy

10w4d November 28, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 12:47 am

So far things with NewBaby are good. Uneventful. I don’t know why I should be surprised; my pregnancy with Amy was uneventful in the extreme, until it wasn’t.

At 10.5 weeks, NewBaby has officially graduated from embryo to fetus. Every day my daily pregnancy calendar has something new to report – kidneys are here! 20 teeth buds! Tiny fingernails! I’m making bones, mom! No wonder I’m nauseous all the time, right?

Also at 10.5 weeks, conventional wisdom says I’m a quarter of the way through my pregnancy. And of course my first thought is, I hope I am that lucky. I hope I’m no more than a quarter of the way through, this time, instead of, you know, halfway.

My other thought is the same one I had last time though, which is “don’t kid yourself!”

I’m a math and dates person. I appreciate numbers, and accuracy. So to say this is a quarter of the way through a full-term pregnancy is jumping the gun a bit. Pregnancy math is funny, see. Weeks 1 & 2, you aren’t even pregnant. You haven’t even ovulated yet, maybe haven’t had sex yet. Week 3, you don’t know you’re pregnant. Week 3 barely counts, too. Somewhere in the middle of Week 4, I found out I was pregnant, which really means I have completed 7 weeks of actively being pregnant. 42 injections. And I still have, I hope, 27.5 more weeks of actively being pregnant to go. And roughly 200 more injections, if we are very lucky. So to say I’m a quarter of the way done, seems crazy.

I also don’t count the days as much this time. Because today, I’m pregnant, and tomorrow, I can really only hope. I can’t wait to be able to hear this kid reliably on the Doppler. What a comfort that will be.

 

 

 

To Amy November 22, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 2:24 pm

It’s Thanksgiving in the US. I had this whole, long post typed up, but then I realized, I don’t need that many words to say what I want to say, which is.

I wish you were here.

Five words say so much.

“It’s a happy life, but someone is missing. It’s a happy life, and someone is missing.” – Elizabeth McCracken

 

Happenstance November 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 10:26 pm

Yesterday found me driving to an out of the way bakery that’s nearby my old job, because NewBaby was begging for carrot cake. And not just any carrot cake, but that specific carrot cake. I don’t go down there much anymore, but on my way back, waiting at the intersection, I found myself staring across the street at a cemetery. The cemetery that is next to the crematorium where we had Amy cremated. And suddenly, there it was, back to that day, back to picking up her ashes, back to watching Dan write “father” on the line that said “relationship to deceased.”

And I remembered the advice a friend had given me, initially, not to have her cremated anywhere near where we ever go in our day to day lives. But she was already there, and I really don’t go down that way much anymore, but in that moment I really, really wished we’d had her cremated somewhere far, far away.

So this morning, driving to the doctor (routine!), I said to Dan, you know, someone told me we should have Amy cremated somewhere far away and I didn’t think much of it – and he interrupted me and said yeah, I ended up right down there yesterday, and it was so sad.

Separately, at two different times during the day, he and I both ended up a half a block from the crematorium, both crippled with the sadness of the memory.

 

8w1d November 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 4:07 pm

Nothing very exciting to report, as always, no news is good news. I am incredibly tired and incredibly nauseous and incredibly amused, reviewing old internet posts, about how directly the timeframe of this lines up with my pregnancy with Amy, right down to a post about badly wanting a margarita on the exact same gestational day. We have another ultrasound this coming Friday, which is really just another pity ultrasound, as the doctors have no medical reason to see me again until 12 weeks.

Which seems wrong to me, since I’m supposed to have cervical surgery at 14 weeks – doesn’t this seem like something one would want to plan more? I guess not unless it’s your cervix.

My pregnancy calendar told me today that NewBaby’s arms are currently about the same length as an exclamation point, in 14 pt font. I don’t know why but I found that amusing.

I’ve also started working on a special project, a Christmas stocking for Amy. When I was born, my mom’s coworker made a handknit stocking for me, with my name on it, and also one for my sister, and at one of those points, also ones for each of my parents, and they’ve been special to us always. Recreating these heirlooms for new family members is actually the very reason I learned to knit, and I made one for Dan several years ago and always knew if we had children I would make stockings for them too. And this, 2012, should be Amy’s first Christmas. Except it’s not, because she’ll never get a Christmas. But when I thought about hopefully making a stocking for NewBaby, next Christmas, the idea that Amy would never had one broke my heart all over again. So she’s getting one, even though she’ll never get to use it. She deserves that much. More, really, but this is the most I can do.

 

7w2d November 4, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 12:05 pm

Had a great appointment on Friday. Great in the sense that it was the most boring appointment in the history of the world, because everything is totally normal, and oh, I gained another pregnancy day because I measured 7w0d exactly and this was my official dating ultrasound. So my due date is now June 21st, which is of course at least two weeks later than I will actually give birth, but either way. Heartbeat, yolk sac, good positioning, closed cervix… yada, yada, yada.

This appointment has finally made this all more real to me, that I am actually pregnant, that I might actually stay pregnant, that the odds are ever-increasing that NewBaby will live to do battle with all of my second trimester risks and fears, a task I hope we are both up to. That I am more than likely having surgery *on my cervix* in less than 7 weeks. Four days before Christmas.

And this: I already love this baby so, so much. This is what I was too reluctant to do last time, too miserable to do last time, to realize that even at this early date, when NewBaby is no more than a bundle of cells and a blob on an ultrasound whose “head” shape is really just a yolk sac, I love the baby. I want to protect it. I want to bring it home with us, in 31 weeks. Knowing what it’s like not to get to do that just makes me more aware of how much I already want that.

I didn’t realize, last time. The love for this tiny being who never really got to live was almost a shock, because how could it be this strong? But it can, and it is, because even now, this is our baby.

Please let us bring this one home.