Elegy for Amy

19w1d January 27, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 4:12 am

We did it. Had our 19 week ultrasound yesterday and everything looked fantastic, not least of all my cervix.

Going in to this, I was the most nervous I’ve been yet. I feel like we are officially In It, that time that is so close to the time where we lost Amy, that time where every day matters and every day drags onnnnnn and onnnnnn. That time where I still don’t know if I get to keep this baby.

Earlier in the week, I had what felt like the briefest of contractions. Or rather, it felt not like what I’d ever imagined a contraction would feel like, but it felt like they did last time, except shorter, less severe. It lasted maybe a second, and I had a few more Braxton-Hicks versions over the next hour or two, and then, nothing. No other symptoms, nothing terribly alarming, but I was alarmed.

So I was almost surprised, Friday, when the ultrasound revealed not only that my cervix is still firmly closed, but also that it is long, even a bit longer than it was two weeks ago, which means the progesterone shots are doing their job.

So, 19 weeks and a clean bill of health. I wish it didn’t feel so much like dodging a bullet, but it does. My next ultrasound will be the latest ultrasound I’ve ever had. Last time, we had a 20 week appointment and ultrasound, and everything was fine, and my next appointment was scheduled for 24 weeks. Except I never did get to 24 weeks. My appointment was the day after she died. So this feels like a big time, every time, right now. It also feels like time I’m getting back, because there was a 50/50 chance of my ending up on bedrest from 16 weeks on. Well, barring any disastrous complications, now we’re up to at least 21 weeks without it. I’ll take every non-bedrested week I can get.

And I continue to try to force myself to behave like a normal pregnant person. Accumulating things, here and there. Enough that we’re considering a small piece of furniture in which to store it. And every time I’m in a store, holding a wee tiny T-shirt, I am embarrassed when someone walks past, and then I realize, this is what normal people do. No one thinks it’s weird to see a visibly pregnant woman buying baby clothes – nobody but me.

And then there is NewBaby. I am so in love with this tiny person already. And I know it’s all projection at this point, but he seems silly, carefree. He is so different from his sister. Is it weird, how glad I am of that? These two so clearly different babies, it’s easier, somehow. Our doctor gave us this amazing profile shot, the clearest ultrasound profile shot I’ve ever seen. You can see his tiny lips and his little chin and a shadow of a nose. I can’t wait to hug this tiny creature. Or actually, I can wait, until June, please.

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