The search terms that lead people to this blog absolutely slay me. Sure, there’s the occasional porn search, or a search about the song this blog is titled after, but mostly the search terms that land people here are tragic one-offs. Reading the list makes me cry, because I have been in that place, doing that desperate Google search, please tell me someone, somewhere, has some good news to share about this.
Search terms like, “how do you go through labor knowing your baby is dead.” Indeed. How. Searcher, I am so, so sorry you have to do this, but you will get through it, and you will be shocked that you did because how could anyone, and you will have a lot of other shocks on this journey, and it will be hard and sad but also enlightening and one day, it won’t be so absolutely awful.
Search terms like, “how do i know if i am grieving properly.” You don’t, really. If you’re making it through the day, I say, you’re grieving properly. If you aren’t avoiding your favorite activities out of fear or sadness, I say, you’re grieving properly. If you’re making an effort on a daily basis, I say, you’re grieving properly. If you’re searching online to find out if you’re grieving properly? You’re probably doing just fine. But I know it doesn’t feel that way.
Search terms like, “dead baby vacation.” Oh, this one gets me good. Take it. Do it. Go on the dead baby vacation. It will be the most wonderful time you’ve had in a while, and you won’t regret it. That’s just my opinion, though. For me it was cleansing and freeing and wonderful.
The saddest search terms in the world. “is there a way to save twins when there in the womb and the cervix is opening at 5 months.” “no water in my womb.” “fucking unfair not pregnant.” “dnr statistics in premature babies.” “what to do with your child’s ashes.” I’m sorry anyone is ever having to Google anything like this.
Search terms revealing medical anxieties, “do blood thinners put me at risk for placental abruption” (no, but the fact that you need them does, unfortunately), “can you continue normal activity after a cervical stitch?” (apparently! ask your doctor!), “what does the cervix look like when it is sewn up” (I actually wondered this too! I found a kind of gross but good photo on this french website), and “specialist wants to see me every week after my cerclage could it be that something is wrong” (Dear searcher, I really hope not. Probably specialist is just wanting to be cautious. My doctor originally mentioned weekly checks, too).
And maybe my favorite, because it makes me less teary and more want to give the searcher a fist bump of solidarity, “dont want a cerclage.” Me neither, friend. But I don’t want another dead baby, either, so, cerclage it is.