This is so hard. I’ve written this post half a dozen times, but then I close it because there’s so little else to say. But I want to post it, lest anyone think that I am handling this with any of those words people throw at me like “grace” or “strength” or “calm” – I’m not. I feel like I am going crazy, waiting, just hoping nothing bad happens. I’m almost 21 weeks. So close to being out of the proverbial woods, theoretically, but also so close to everything bad that happened. It’s not even one day at a time; it’s one hour at a time. I would gladly sleep until March if I could. People ask me how I am and the answer, most of the time is, surviving. Barely.
This is really, really hard. I believe it will get easier, but right now, these few weeks? Feel like that moment in the movie where the music starts to crescendo and the main character is creeping through the house, and everything looks okay, everything looks fine, but you know – YOU KNOW – that someone or something is about to jump out at him. You watch, body tense, through your mostly closed fingers, waiting for something bad to happen.
That’s how this feels right now. Every day, that’s how I feel. Every day, it’s a brief moment of relief – another day, conquered, another day, still a live baby in there, another day, closer – and then it’s mostly the terror, punctuated by as many distractions as I can find. I watch a lot of trash TV. I play a lot of Facebook games. I read a lot of beach novels on the Kindle. Wait for tomorrow.
There are moments where I’m confident. Where I’m just a ridiculously pregnant-looking woman, having a baby, enjoying our time together. I try to stay in those moments because I wish there were more. I wish this was 90% of the time, instead of 10%. I hope it changes when I get to that magic milestone.
Turns out I do have a (mild) infection, so, I’m on antibiotics now. And so glad I asked them to check, just in case. For a few hours, even that was strangely freeing, because at least it’s something different. Something actionable. Here are these drugs that will resolve this problem. But only time will help with the rest.