Elegy for Amy

20w6d February 7, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 4:17 pm

This is so hard. I’ve written this post half a dozen times, but then I close it because there’s so little else to say. But I want to post it, lest anyone think that I am handling this with any of those words people throw at me like “grace” or “strength” or “calm” – I’m not. I feel like I am going crazy, waiting, just hoping nothing bad happens. I’m almost 21 weeks. So close to being out of the proverbial woods, theoretically, but also so close to everything bad that happened. It’s not even one day at a time; it’s one hour at a time. I would gladly sleep until March if I could. People ask me how I am and the answer, most of the time is, surviving. Barely.

This is really, really hard. I believe it will get easier, but right now, these few weeks? Feel like that moment in the movie where the music starts to crescendo and the main character is creeping through the house, and everything looks okay, everything looks fine, but you know – YOU KNOW – that someone or something is about to jump out at him. You watch, body tense, through your mostly closed fingers, waiting for something bad to happen.

That’s how this feels right now. Every day, that’s how I feel. Every day, it’s a brief moment of relief – another day, conquered, another day, still a live baby in there, another day, closer – and then it’s mostly the terror, punctuated by as many distractions as I can find. I watch a lot of trash TV. I play a lot of Facebook games. I read a lot of beach novels on the Kindle. Wait for tomorrow.

There are moments where I’m confident. Where I’m just a ridiculously pregnant-looking woman, having a baby, enjoying our time together. I try to stay in those moments because I wish there were more. I wish this was 90% of the time, instead of 10%. I hope it changes when I get to that magic milestone.

Turns out I do have a (mild) infection, so, I’m on antibiotics now. And so glad I asked them to check, just in case. For a few hours, even that was strangely freeing, because at least it’s something different. Something actionable. Here are these drugs that will resolve this problem. But only time will help with the rest.


2 Responses to “20w6d”

  1. tracy Says:

    Not sure if it helps to comment or not. You clearly have more readers than me:) Even though I’ve been there, I don’t know exactly what to say or what might give any sort of benefit. It seems like my answer for anything difficult is just give it time…I apologize that that is all that I say. I promise, first it’s getting to the point of the cerclage and getting over that cliff of surgery and all the possible scary things associated with it and then it is getting over your most pregnant with Amy…then for me, once I got past 23 weeks, it was 24 weeks and that terrible notion of “viability” and that provided no comfort but I got the steroid shots “just in case” since my son was born at 23 weeks. Like you said with antibiotics, it was just something different and tangible. Then it was counting at 2 week chunks…then we made it to 26 and that felt pretty good, pretty close to my desire of 30 weeks, then 28 and a brief overnight hospital stay to stop contractions, then 30 and I felt this onrush of relief. Then when I went again at 32 weeks for contractions that were easily stopped, like I already mentioned, I felt much less fearful than the nurses around me. Those were stopped easily as well and from then on out, til 38 weeks when I cried out of fear, pretty much begging for an induction “just in case”, I almost felt like a normal pregnant lady.

    Are you still out of bed rest? How is it going? I know that for me, hearing your story and other women’s story via blogs who have cerclages and are not doing bedrest, it gives me some hope that I too might be able to go for another pregnancy and not have bedrest. Basically, I’m fearful that even if my doctor is confident about my not needing bed rest that I won’t listen because it worked for my daughter and all of the what if’s will force me into bed against the doctor wishes. So if it helps distract you, I would love to hear some more details about how your typical day goes, in terms of how normal you are and what the doctor has told you about restrictions for activity and if your cervical measurements have changed? Has your doctor commented at all about things/activity levels changing as you get more pregnant?

  2. Emily Says:

    Hanging on with you, hoping, hoping, hoping things stay uneventful and positive. It’s hard, I know. Just keep white knuckling it and keep as distracted as possible!

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