Here we are, 22 weeks. This is going to be the hardest one. This is the week where everything went wrong, and I am dreading it but also looking so forward to getting past it. We have an ultrasound today and another next week at 23 weeks, and if there’s such a thing as prayer for me, well, I’m doing the closest thing to it I know.
And forging boldly onward, we bought a crib. The mattress is coming today. The precious tiny quilt and matching sheet came yesterday. There is a crib in my house, and that means someone’s going to need it, right?
In the moment where we buy these things, I feel like Superwoman, I feel free, I feel excited, I feel even relieved. Like, okay, YES, this is happening, see, it’s happening. And in the hours afterward, I worry that I’ve done something that’s going to break my heart if I have to undo. But who am I kidding – if that happens, won’t my heart be broken anyway?
To see it sitting there, leaning against the wall in the room that we hope will belong to NewBaby in a few months time, the crib feels like a good omen more than anything. A symbol of hope and a symbol of faith. Here I am, trusting that this time, things will be better. Here I am, planning for a living child. Here I am, turning my back to the terror lurking under the surface.
And the finding of the crib itself seemed oddly timed, oddly right. One night I realized that not buying these things was making me feel worse than buying them would, and so the next day, we went to Babies R Us, which is, you know, what people do. And every crib is the same, more or less, and they’re all kind of slick and modern and a little chintzy, and in the back at the same time, Dan and I spied this one. Old-timey and solid and different, somehow. The price was right, so we went to purchase it, only to find out this model was sold out, discontinued, and even the floor model couldn’t be sold because it wasn’t an actual crib but just a display and was missing some kind of safety thing. So we went home, a little disappointed, and I did a search on Craigslist. One listing came up. In the last three months, one person has put this crib up for sale, and it was the exact one we wanted, and it was listed just 24 hours prior. Like the stars aligned somehow, and here it was.
Please let the stars keep aligning. This crib wants a baby to sleep in it one day.