So I guess I should probably update this thing, lest my memories of this torturous part of this pregnancy ever fade and I started to think crazy thoughts like, “maybe we should do this again!”
First of all: We made it past the first two gestation milestones, Amy’s birth and technical viability. YAY. NewBaby is now technically, possibly viable. While I know that at 24 weeks, hope is still microscopic, the fact is that hope finally exists and it gets bigger every day. And that is a pretty great feeling. Which reminds me a little bit of that scene from Dumb and Dumber, when she says his chances are less like 1 in 100 and more like 1 in a million and he says “so, you’re telling me there’s a chance!!”
Less awesomely, my cervix is beginning to really act up. It’s hard to believe that at 22 weeks we saw a perfectly, closed, 4.5 cm cervix, went to a funneled 3.6 cm at 23, and then at our 24 week appointment on Friday the funnel was gone – but so was the cervix that was funneling. Depending on where they measured, my cervix was somewhere between 2.7-3.3 cm. Which is actually a perfectly fine cervical length for 24 weeks, if you don’t have a dead baby, an incompetent cervix, and an ultrasound for two weeks ago showing you at 4.5 cm. Since I have all three of those things, I’m now on complete bed rest, at home for now, until May 10th (34 weeks) or the baby comes, whichever comes first. And as much as I hate lying here, I do hope May 10th is what comes first.
So now I go in every week for my check, and it’s the only time I get to leave the house or even get out of bed other than to pee, and if it gets worse they’ll want me on bed rest, and if it gets better they’ll want me on bed rest because it’s working, but as long as I don’t dilate and don’t have contractions (none so far), everyone is still okay and safe and we are not in any imminent danger. A short cervix itself is not dangerous, it’s just a sign of things that could happen, so here I m on bed rest, trying to keep them from happening.
I am trying very hard to stay positive. I freak out many times per day. I thought that getting to 24 weeks would make me feel better, but it just makes me feel like we’re even closer to a world in which things could be “okay” without actually BEING in that world yet, so I eagerly mark off each day. Try to remember that between serious symptoms and giving birth I had 12 days, so even now, where we are, would get us past 26 weeks if something happened tomorrow (I hope). But I don’t want 26 weeks, or 28, or even 32 or 34. I don’t want anything that results in my leaving the hospital without our baby AGAIN. Even if that’s just because he’s in a hospital bed – I’ve taken that drive before, and I’d rather not repeat it.
I’ll take whatever I can get, though, of course. But that’s what I want – give birth, come home with a baby. Like normal people.
So now my days are filled with weirdly forced routines of leisure time activities, something to make the day seem more structured and less depressing. When you have to stay horizontal 24/7 there is suddenly a LOT of extra time to fill. The number of movies, books, and TV shows I have already gone through in just 1.5 weeks is kind of absurd and now there are hopefully 9.5 more weeks to go.