Elegy for Amy

Silly Milestones April 8, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — elegyforamy @ 7:15 pm

It’s funny how much your feelings about something can change. That’s one of the reasons I’ve wanted to chronicle this pregnancy here in addition to posting about Amy – it’s all related, and I want to remember all of it. How I felt before, and during, and during, and after. I remember, but I can also see it right here, how my outlook changed, day to day, week to week.

Embarking on this next journey, I wanted to wait to do anything too big, I wasn’t going to buy furniture or baby things or think too far ahead. Thinking too far ahead was the enemy, then. And then, I think some time around the 2nd trimester, when the present was scarier than thinking ahead, I started changing my mind. I bought clothes. I started an Amazon registry. After dinner one night, I declared it was time to buy a crib.

It wasn’t that I stopped being scared; in fact it was just the opposite – I was terrified, practically 24 hours a day, being back in that time when we lost Amy. It suddenly seemed like looking ahead – assuming we WOULD bring home a baby – was the only solution to the anxiety.  And I realized with a sudden clarity, that in terms of losing this baby, too, it doesn’t matter if we have a crib, a single outfit, a fully-decorated nursery, or nothing at all. I was protecting myself from absolutely nothing, because nothing would lessen the pain of losing a baby, not denying myself my entire pregnancy or going whole-hog with it – if he dies, it will be the worst thing to ever happen to us, again. The stupid crib would be the least of our concerns.

But still, there are a few hang-ups I have from my pregnancy with Amy. Before we came home from the hospital, my husband put away some of the more obvious pregnancy things he saw around the house; books about childcare and the like. But it was the little things that mocked me. The weird “pregnancy-safe” sunscreen I’d bought days earlier. And the brand-new, unopened bottle of prenatal vitamins sitting on the counter, because I’d only had two days worth left the day we checked into the hospital and I’d just ordered more, because how could I have known? As a result, I would only buy my vitamins for this pregnancy one month at a time. I started taking DHA because I read it might be linked to a reduction in preterm birth, and every 30 days we’d have to go to the store to get another bottle.

And so here is my silly, ridiculous milestone, a milestone that would only ever matter to me. At the beginning of my second trimester, when I was having all these revelations, we went to get my new bottle of DHA, and I grabbed enough bottles off the shelf to take me all the way to 34 weeks, when taking vitamins to prevent preterm birth seemed like it would be kind of silly. I bought them all. And today, at 29 weeks and 3 days, I got to open that very last bottle.

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