Long time no post – every week is the same, next week maybe I’ll make the time to post, next week when I’m on bed rest I’ll have loads of time for blogging.
And then, no bed rest, and no post. Because so far, I’m just hanging out here, living the seemingly impossible dream of having a totally uneventful, albeit still high-risk, pregnancy.
So I’m having is something akin to survivor’s guilt, I guess – there is a community of people who have dead babies and most of us have difficult pregnancies after the fact. I did. And now I’m not. Which has made it kind of weird to talk about here, like I’m dishonoring the clan or something by having my body actually function properly this time.
And it’s really, really weird. Good weird. Amazing weird. But, weird. Like, when is the other shoe going to drop? When are things going to get worse? What terrible news will my next test reveal? And then…nothing. More than nothing, actually – as of my last scan, our doctors have officially removed every restriction I had, every caution I was under, for all intents and purposes they are now only concerned with the risks posed from my clotting disorder.
I can pick up our 33 pound toddler, and go for walks, and go grocery shopping, and take baths and really nutty things like actually leave the house and drive and eat all my meals sitting up – heck, standing if I want to. Everything normal people do. At 31 weeks pregnant.
A brief catch-up: I got the preventative cerclage at 14 weeks, just like last time, and then I started going in for cervical scans, just like last time. Except that unlike last time, and the time before that, when we got to 21 weeks, nothing happened. And then it was 23 weeks, and still nothing happened, and they said, hey! We don’t even need to see you for three weeks! And I admit, I didn’t really believe this would work out – they told me after the last two times statistically I had a 90% chance of having the exact same experience, cerclage, funneling, four months of bed rest, hurray. And then it was 26 weeks, and my cervix barely shortened, it was in fact still longer than average. And at 29 weeks, nothing, now I was significantly longer than average, my cervix declared to be “functioning like any other normal pregnant person’s.” Over 3.5cm! At 29 weeks! The stunning conclusion of which is: no bed rest, and no more cervical scans, and no more restrictions (which I’d been gradually getting back with each positive ultrasound, anyway).
So now, here we are. The “maybe” a girl is now at 31 weeks gestation and over 3 pounds and an even more furious kicker than her brother, who likes to hug my stomach and pat it gently when we say “sister.” And I’m working on working through all of the hang-ups I didn’t realize I would have about having another girl, namely not believing we will actually get to bring her home alive, and secondly feeling like she is some kind of replacement or in some way “better,” when really what she’ll be, I hope, is just, you know, alive. And get to grow up. And I’m finding gracious ways to acknowledge Amy to myself when people ask or say unknowing things without having to actually come out and say, “oh no actually, I already have a daughter but she died.”
And I guess Levi will probably be a big brother in 8 weeks or less??